Lost

I feel so lost.

Where am I heading? What am I doing in life? I have no idea.

I just feel like I exist.

I know am Muslim. That is my greatest identity. That is the main constant that has been with me since time immemorial.

That’s about it all.

I do what is required.

I know what am supposed to do as a Muslim and I do it.

For so long I act in the Islamic manner. I Pray, I fast Alhamdulillah. I strive to do what is right and avoid what is evil. I’m not perfect, far from it. I do my best within my ability.

My mind and heart knows and feels this is the right way, but I am still lacking the peace. I feel troubled.

No. Don’t get me wrong.

I’m not considering deviating from my path. I love my path and deep down I know it is the only path

I’m just praying for Guidance

For Iman

For Taqwa.

I have always put off thinking and questioning existence.

Afraid of deviating into shirk.

But now it’s back to haunting me.

Thinking about it all the time, of what am doing in this life.

I feel am just wasting my time.

These worldly things truly are temporary. You never get full satisfaction to last you a lifetime. It’s always fleeting, running away from you and you have to keep chasing it. But chase it till when?

I feel I’ve wasted my 20+ years.

They’ve just been a blur.

I’ve nothing substantial to reflect from it. I’ve never worked for my Akhirah. It’s always been for the Dunya.

I’ve just been a robot. Doing what is expected.

Get an education

Go through formal school

Get a job

Work

Create a living

But for how much longer?

What’s it worth?

You just wake up one day and realize your life is over.

I’m glad this is happening now. That this self-searching is now rather than later.

When I’m still youthful and energetic.

I do know it’s a sign Allah loves me, He’s guiding me to the path, my realization is coming now rather than not being aware at all.

All I’m praying for is Iman and Taqwa in Allah.

I no longer want routine in my Ibadah, I want to pray to you Allah and really feel it, and be happy at it, not routinely doing it.

For that’s what it feels like right now.

Like am just doing what is expected, just like the way I’ve gone through my secular education and abandoned my Deen for almost 10 years.

I need you Allah in my life.

Guide me

Nawwir Darby

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